8 May 2014

Hafiz Adewuyi

TL; DR - Bad formatting intentional to dissuade you from reading

This note was written from beginning to end with the writer in an unbroken state of flow (akin to the state of timelessness you're in when playing your favourite video game).

From my perspective, the note below is a little too revealing and would most likely have gone to my anonymous blog :D. Unfortunately for me and luckily for your over-inquisitive biat*h ass, the way I feel this evening can be summed up in two simple words: "F*CK IT"! 

You know, seeing Wezam and Biz this evening gave my mood a sharp twist. More precisely, the moment I set my eyes on Wezam at the office and made him out as him, my heart skipped a beat to jump to a height comparable to height of the UNIONBANK head-office, Marina. I cannot say exactly why this happened. Did I miss him so much (no homo)? Or is it an evidence of my almost perfect admiration for him and the path he has chosen? I cannot say why my heart reacted that way, but I know it was a good feeling. I was excited and proud to see Wezam, to a larger degree than I could ever have guessed; to a larger degree than I have been to see anybody in recent times. I can only dream of inspiring such excitement in someone, perhaps many someone, consecutively, someday ahead. Like, not in any recent times have I had such a sudden turn-around in my emotional state. The best word I have to describe my current mood is “reflective, as in: inspired to reflect on my ways”.
In the last one hour, after all the thoughts and ideas that have rushed through my mind in its current meditative mode, I’ve come to one solid conclusion: “If I continue my life at its current rate and tempo, my end would be with me hopelessly lonely, unhappy, unfulfilled and having achieved little with the gift of my life”.  
Take a look at my everyday life. How many adrenaline filled minutes have I encountered this week? If my memory is in order, the answer is: hardly any. Except you can regard the laughing sessions today with AY (at the FirstLady’s only you waka come speech) as adrenaline pumping. Yes, I was quite happy during the interaction. In fact, I achieved a level of happiness that I have not reached in a very long time during our hangout at work today. However, I believe that the truly adrenaline-pumping, and in-effect, happiness stimulating moments are those moments inspired by my doing something that pushes me out of my comfort zone.
Here are some of the very few of the life events I have which fall within this specification:
1. The day inside multi-purpose hall (UNILAG) when there was a huge queue on the exit. I had felt so uncomfortable with my predicament that I constantly was thinking of a faster way out of the building. The only practical solution I saw however was a little weird and out of comfort zone: “climbing through the free side projections of the staircase instead of going through the body of the staircase”. The feeling during the ascent was just short of ecstatic. Adrenaline coursed through my veins as I made my way up with no resistance from the mob. I was shaking uncontrollably, perhaps from the unusual attention and cheers that I had drawn to myself; or maybe it was because I was afraid that someone in the centre of the stairs would push me out and back down. The applause for my performance was indeed resounding, and I felt so proud that I had honoured that tiny little idea in my head. It was rather disappointing and unexpected though, for me to learn a while later that many people had thought that I did the whole stunt just to get to the front of the queue more quickly (food was being shared at the exit, the reason in the first place, for the slow crowd movement).
2. The day I approached a girl I found particularly attractive at the UNILAG basement library. From the moment this lady entered the library, all I could think about while I read was this young lady. As a result, I formulated a strategy: approach her by pretending to recognize her, fire-off a conversation and … (God will do the rest). The time I set for me to achieve the goal was when I was leaving the library. Sooner than I wanted, it was time. I put my stuff together, headed for this lady and executed my strategy. I felt extremely excited and fulfilled at the end of my conversation with the lady, even though she had declined to give me her contact details (she promised though, to be back at the library, same time, next day). Perhaps, it was because I had goofed off by letting her know that my whole “you look familiar” episode had been a charade.
Since after the last one, I actually cannot recall any adrenaline-pumping challenge I've pushed myself to overcome; and that was in 2012. Jeez! Begs the question of how much better I am, than the people in the grave if every single day I live is entirely predictable the day before? Not much, I would say. Not much.
This single problem has always sat with me is my hard-drilled reticence. I have sought help in the form of articles on the web, but things have hardly changed one bit. I tend to defer the most important and potentially fulfilling activities I should engage in, under the guise that they might not go well, or as planned. The negatives start me very boldly in the face, and I can’t help myself from succumbing to the fear of failure; failure at buying, failure at asking, failure at doing.
Today, I had planned to pay a visit to a lady acquaintance I happen to really like (a UNILAG student). Unfortunately, all I can focus on is the array of heart-breaking possibilities that could be the outcome of the heist.
·         She could refuse to hangout when I call or give excuses to mask the fact that she has no interest in being in my company;
·         If she agrees to hangout, I might freak her out with my weirdness;
·         My personality is likely to be too ordinary to even slightly pique her interest/attention/attraction;
·         I might discover something very heart-breaking, e.g. she’s already engaged…
So, the incomplete list above has actually prevented me from moving even a mere inch towards my ambition of improving my social life.
Another area of my life in which I have really been stalling is in the entrepreneurship department, which is why seeing the PrepClass duo really struck a chord in me tonight. I mean, I have been super-slacking. I have a ton of ideas, a number of them, definitely practicable. But that’s all I have; these ideas, a little documentation and zero implementation. Sometimes, I wonder where all the entrepreneur energy of the school days vamoosed into. Could this energy be lost within the myriad lines of code I happen to have written at work? It's even more saddening when I remember how eager I had been to graduate, so I would try out some of my many ideas. Back then, I literally saw school as a stumbling block to my ambition. Similarly, I could take the easy route of pushing the blame now to the fact that I now have a job. Alas, that would be a blatant lie a senseless man could spot from a mile away.
My life sorely reeks of this kind of ineptitude in forging towards my dreams and this has got to change somehow. Maybe I need help, maybe not. A couple of things I think might help me are as follows:
1.       Seeing a therapist or counsellor: Though I doubt that this will do much for me. Actually, I do not expect the effect this to be much better than the effect of my reading several self-help articles on the internet.
2.       Associating with Wezam and Lumi or people I like and admire as much as I do their duo.
3.       Pushing myself harder.

P..S.: Perhaps, if I had followed my heart and gone to UNILAG, it would be on her attentive ears that all these would have been poured out. Perhaps, that would have been much better or maybe not. Well, this is all I have for now: this white page, staring at me in its ever welcoming clearness and attentiveness. Perhaps tomorrow, I would have a more animate entity as ready to listen to the words from my heart, as this clueless surface who bears these very words. Someday, someday; someday which may never show. 

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