9 March 2014

Hafiz Adewuyi

Zifah is a loser

It's palpable, the urge Zifah has to get acquainted with the damsel beside him in the vehicle. So much so it is, I suspect she herself might feel it and actually anticipate Zifah hitting on her any minute.

From the very second that Zifah stepped into the vehicle, Zifah knew tonight was his lucky night. Tonight, he has the rare privilege to sit beside such a beauty. But would sitting beside her be all he would do with this privilege, certainly not. He desires the next level of privilege; have her talk to him. Ahh. This is where it becomes hard. She probably would not initiate a conversation, irrespective of how much (or how little) she wanted to. She's probably just like Zifah himself, she wouldn't do anything even slightly risky. It's fine, it's fine for her to be that way. She's a lady, and that's how ladies are expected to be. Zifah, on the other hand, has absolutely no right to be risk-averse, especially when it comes to this kind of thing. He has an Adam's apple and is 6-feet tall. Alas, it so happens that Zifah is that way, the way only a lady should be.


Zifah, deciding not to give in to his reticent nature today, decides he's going to try to start a conversation with beauty. He decides to cash in on the endless hours spent reading social anxiety articles in the past.  "What would be the best ice-breaker", he imagined? Ask for her name, compliment her, ask where she's going,  make a comment about something she's wearing? Zifah scrolls through every conversation starter he could recall from the endless array of articles he's read on talking to strangers. Alas, he finds none that did not sound absolutely cheeky to him. He almost gives up on the opportunity to have the beauty talk to him.

"Do one thing that scares you, everyday", Bazz Lurrhman's voice plays in his head. It's not time to give up yet. Zifah feels another surge of inspiration, he's freshly inspired to talk to her. He tries to convince himself he does not care how she responds to him; how silly he might appear for asking for her pin/digits out of the blues. He tells himself, "I am just going to do this in obedience to the Sunscreen song";  a song whose words Zifah holds in high esteem. However, before he can say a word, his reticence suggests that he delay his heroic act until the vehicle reaches a certain junction. "Besides", it suggests, "she's probably going to alight at the same bus-stop as you are". Zifah, too used to listening to reticence,  decides it might have a point; his lips stay shut.

The vehicle zooms past said junction, and Zifah convinces himself that he's gone for the better PLAN B. He banks on the assumption that she would alight at the same bus-stop as he would. "It just has to be that way", he thinks to himself. Silence… In the silence, his mind plays with the idea that she might even be married. His eyes go to work. They find something that looks like a ring on one of her left fingers. "Is that a wedding ring", he thinks to himself. He muses on about the suitability of this question as a conversation starter…...  Until he hears, o wa o.

"Oh no, please tell me it did not come from her", Zifah wishes. Alas, it was the beauty, the damsel who said it. She is going to alight before Zifah, proving the very attractive plan B to be an epic fail. Indeed, she alights, and Zifah sees what he just lost in its full glory. She indeed, is a fearfully made creature of the creator :'(


Alas, Zifah proves once again that he is a loser. Nothing has changed. Loser yesterday, loser today. It's going to be yet another lonely night, and deservedly so. Losers deserve to die alone.

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