A day in the life of a Lagos squeegee boy - Part 1

A day in the life of a Lagos squeegee boy - Part 1

By Hafiz Adewuyi   January 06, 2017   No comments :

On my way back from the business where I'd gone to make enquiries, I turned in the direction that led to the spot where the bunch of squeegee boys was located. As I approached them, I noticed one of them who was speaking and had the audience of every other boy. I heard him say something about stealing in Yoruba with a voice that reminded me of the typical Lagos bus conductor. The closer I got to them, the lower my confidence fell. The boys were too close together and seemed really engaged. I felt it would be awkward for me to just barge into their midst and ask for their audience. They would probably shoo me off rudely.

I walked past the boys until I got to the end of the road, then I turned around and started again towards the boys. I ended up pacing back and forth about three times, trying to decide the perfect icebreaker for approaching the boys. Alas, nothing was coming to mind. After my third time past the boys, I felt like someone might have noticed my wandering and started to get suspicious. So I threw in the towel and just continued away from the boys towards the junction where I was going to get a bus to take me home.

For the first minute of walking away from the group of squeegee boys, I was okay with my justifications. My ego consoled me with the thought that the boys were probably nothing I couldn't fathom with a bit of imagination. That a chat with one of them would probably not teach me anything I didn't previously know or assume about them. However, as I continued my walk towards home, the full realisation of what I was doing came to me.

I was giving up too easily like I'm used to doing in the face of challenges that take me out of my comfort zone. I felt like a loser and I thought, "really, if you can't do it now, then will you ever get to it? The conditions are perfect now, why don't you take your chance! What's the worst that could happen? At worst they would be rude to you and of course, you will survive that". A line from a graduation speech (The sunscreen song) which Seun Lari-Williams first shared with me in my final year at UNILAG came to me. The line says: "Do one thing that scares you every day".

In that moment, it dawned on me how despite the fact that I had always wanted to follow that instruction because I know how much doing so could improve my life, I hardly ever did. And here I was, about to pass on the perfect chance to live by this rule. "Not this time!", I thought to myself and I found myself turning in the opposite direction once again. Even though I had now put quite some distance between me and the Lagos squeegee boys, I made my way back towards where they were gathered on one side of the Herbert Macaulay road.

"This is it", I thought. This time, I approached from the other side of the road as I was on my first attempt. I figured it would help if I approached a lone boy who had just finished hustling a few customers. As I approached the traffic light behind which several cars were queued, waiting for the green, I noticed the outspoken Yoruba boy once again. He was in the midst of the cars.

I approached him quickly and confidently. As soon as I was close enough for him to hear me, I said in Nigerian pidgin: "Hey, I want to see you. Come with me". With little hesitation, the squeegee boy whom I was soon to find out is named Shakir came with me as I crossed over to the other side of the road and headed for a spot which I deemed quiet and calm enough to host our discussion.

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Beating a red traffic light in Lagos

Beating a red traffic light in Lagos

By Hafiz Adewuyi   October 24, 2016   4 comments :

This morning, sometime between 5:15 and 5:30, I beat a red light. I was on the way to work and ain't nobody got time on a Monday morning to wait for a redundant red light. Every second matters in ensuring I do not get to participate in rush hour traffic which is something I actively try to avoid in my life.

The light at the Adekunle-Third mainland intersection turned red just as I was going to reach the junction where it stands. And fair enough, I waited for a few seconds until the vehicles that had right of way were out of the way. I mean, the closest car to which my passage could have been an obstruction was at least, five seconds away, even if he was driving a zero to 60 in 3 seconds Buggati. Ok, I'm not so sure about the Buggati thing cos' those things can speed up like crazy, but come on, what are the chances at Ebute Metta on a Monday morning!

As I ascended the Third Mainland bridge from Adekunle, I saw light from a motorcycle headlamp in my rearview mirror and I wondered for a moment if that could be the MOPOL coming for me on his power bike. However, as my car gained speed, the single light disappeared into the distance and I knew that once again, I had successfully gotten away with breaking the law.

Just this Saturday, I was chatting with a friend and we broached the topic of beating red lights in Nigeria. He's a lawyer and we were talking about the bribing culture in Nigeria and how Nigeria is just such a fucked place where we could use some discipline. I told him of how I usually beat red lights in the morning on my way to work, and he told me how if I was in the UK, I would definitely be apprehended. Fortunately, we're in Nigeria where pretty much anything goes unless you're very unlucky.

On a related note, it was sort of a culture shock to me to notice some months ago how traffic compliance rates are so wide apart on the island and on the mainland. I had not been to the mainland for several consecutive months. So when I drove to Agege to visit my folks for the weekend, it was interesting to find that almost no one obeys the traffic lights, whether day or night. Comparatively, the compliance rates are pretty high on the Island. I can pin it down to the fact that the less elite are being influenced by the elite? Or perhaps it's the fact that the roads are generally better. Who knows!

Well, as they say, everyday is for the thief and just one day is for the owner. So, even though the following justifications are unlikely to make the policeman let me go scot free, if I word things correctly, I might be able to get a discount on my bribe if I get caught:

• I just copied the car in front of me; why can't you catch him too!

• The traffic lights should be more intelligent and not delay me unnecessarily when there is virtually no other vehicle on the road

• Waiting too long on one spot is dangerous in the early morning hours

• Ise esu ni (it was the work of the devil) 

• I am colour-blind

On a final note, please ensure you shine your eyes if you are thinking of emulating me. Make sure there is no Police van or bike parked discreetly in the vicinity of the traffic light. Also, for the sake of (your) life and property, be sure that there is next to no chance that your illegal passage will coincide with the passage of any vehicle which has right of way. Cos' if any accident occurs as a result, then you will be absolutely done for.

You know, I'm wondering. What if the responsible Law Enforcement Agent were to stumble upon this post where I'm admitting to a traffic crime, would this be an automatic guilty sentence for me?

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